Inviting vs Demanding Change

I was working with a client recently who, when I offered an alternative, more affirming, way of thinking about their value in a given situation, said “How do I make myself believe that?!”

I could see the resistance rising in their body and hear it in their voice. 

I suggested that rather than making themself believe something new, it was about inviting themself to believe something new, and then getting curious.

So we tried:

“What would it be like if I let myself believe that?”

And

“What would happen if I let myself believe that?”

I watched their resistance ratchet down. Their voice got quieter and less tight. Their shoulders relaxed a little. Their face turned thoughtful.

Often, when we are trying to change, we become our own most powerful opponent. 

Framing our desire for change as “making ourselves” do/be something immediately triggers our resistance to being “made” to do anything.

And we are a powerful opponent. 

We know a lot about ourselves, and are good at coming up with plenty of narratives about how this old belief is true (insert stories here), or that our way of looking at or doing things is based on real experience (yes, you probably have had some experiences that “prove” that belief, but that doesn’t mean it’s the only experiences you’ve had, nor the only possible truth). 

🔸 Yes, we behave, and see ourselves and the world, in particular ways for reasons. Our  opinions rise from experience, and from the stories we have been told.

🔸 Yes, the choices we’ve made based on those ways of being and seeing probably got us through some tough stuff, and we survived. That’s good.

But that does not mean those beliefs and narratives are still accurate or useful, now, in this time and place. 

And when we know we want to change (“how do I make myself…?”), we need to find a path into exploring other things that are also true, other narratives, other ways of seeing/feeling/being.

It’s not an either-or. 

🌱 It can be true that I have had experiences where I was not well seen and appreciated, and also that I have had experiences where I was.

🌱 It can be true that the last few years were incredibly difficult and also that there were people and experiences that were good and nurturing.

🌱 It can be true that I make mistakes, am not the right match for every job, have had bad work experiences, and also that I have lots of strong skills and am a great contributor in the right environment.

To step into a different and more empowering experience around a stuck spot, we need to find our way to curiosity, to a willingness to explore the complexity of our experience, to reach for a different experience and new possibilities. For that, we need to feel safe enough.

It’s hard to feel safe when some part of us feels that we need to defend ourselves against being forced to change. 

We are much more likely to get there if we are inviting ourselves into something new, without the blame, judgement and guilt that rises when we try to “make” ourselves do something.

By the end of our coaching session, my client was excited to explore what would happen if they let themselves get curious in the ways I was suggesting – already feeling a huge shift in their experience of the situation and far less internal resistance.

They were no longer in their own way.

I’d love to hear your experience and reflections. When have you been your own worst opponent? If you managed to become an ally to yourself instead, what made that possible?

🌿

© Tasha Harmon, August, 2025 - You are welcome to use this article for your own development, and share it with friends and colleagues. If you wish to use the contents of this article professionally (for work you are getting paid for), or to publish it, please email me for permission.